Hello and welcome to the eighth (!!) annual Paultacular
Bruene awards, coming to you live on the west coast (tape-delayed in Hawaii,
Alaska, Guam, and American Samoa) from a one-bedroom apartment in North
Seattle.
This year is going to be a little shorter (a little shorter) than in years
past, in large part because this is the fewest movies I’ve seen before writing
this since the first year, only 46 movies released in 2017. That’s a full 20
less than last year, though in my defense I spent the bulk of the past 12
months either studying for the bar exam or as a practicing attorney, so ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
whatryagonnado. Though there are a few movies I didn’t get to that I wanted to
(like All The Money In The World, The Greatest Showman and literally anything in a foreign language or any documentary), I think I did a pretty good job
all things considered.
Anyways, here’s the format, almost entirely unchanged from
the last few years. I’m going to run through a bunch of categories and give my
top five for the year (which I’ve termed “contenders”) and then give a winner.
Many of the categories are copied from standard awards categories, plus a few
of my own creation (and minus a few I don’t like or didn’t see enough to judge,
like, as noted above, anything involving foreign language films). This is all
strictly subjective, which, though obvious, I feel like I should mention
because my personal taste in movies is further from consensus for 2017 than
usual—a lot of the popular (and I mean that both in a critical and commercial
sense) 2017 movies I liked but didn’t love. No shots intended at anything or
anyone omitted here.
Best Visual Effects
The
Contenders:
Alien: Covenant
Blade Runner 2049
Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2
Star Wars: The Last Jedi
Thor: Ragnarok
Boy howdy
was it a bravura year for great-looking sci-fi movies, and also for me
regretting starting sentences with “boy howdy.” If the award was “Grossest
Visual Effects” than Alien: Covenant
would take this in a heartbeat—Ridley Scott and his effects people really
outdid themselves. But it’s a sequel to a different Ridley Scott movie that had
the best overall visual effects, so this one goes to Blade Runner 2049. The
memory-making scene alone…
Best Performance by an Animal, Idea, or
Inanimate Object
The goofiest
category of this awards show (replacing Best Original Song, the goofiest award
at the actual Oscars). This is a recognition of non-humans that leave a
particularly strong impression in a movie.
The
Contenders:
Baby’s
Headphones—Baby Driver
The
Memory-Maker—Blade Runner 2049
The Sunken
Place—Get Out
LaVona’s
Parrot—I, Tonya
The Three
Billboards—Three Billboards Outside
Ebbing, Missouri
Shoutout to
Keanu’s dog, who does NOT die this time, in John
Wick: Chapter 2, and to a memorable and courageous turn by Elio’s peach in Call Me By Your Name. This one has a
pretty obvious winner though—as will become very clear throughout this piece I
loved the performances in Three Billboards Outside Ebbing, Missouri
even if I wasn’t wild about the film, and that extends to a fantastic
performance by the titular Three
Billboards.
Best Film Editing
The
Contenders
Baby Driver
Blade Runner 2049
Darkest Hour
Dunkirk
Get Out
It’s hard
not to give this one to Dunkirk—what
makes that film unique and interesting is its innovative triple storyline, and
it’s the fantastic editing that makes the format work. But I just can’t ignore
the incredible work in Baby Driver, which somehow managed
to edit in rhythm to the soundtrack. I have no idea how Edgar Wright and his
editors pulled that off.
Best Costume Design
The
Contenders:
Baby Driver
Blade Runner 2049
Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2
Phantom Thread
Thor: Ragnarok
I always try
to have a nice mix of costuming in this category when I can, and this year worked
out nicely. There’s the over-the-top (in a good way) sci-fi/fantasy costuming
of the two marvel movies, the more subdued sci-fi work in Blade Runner, and great contemporary work in Baby Driver. But the best work, as it so often is, is in the period
piece. It doesn’t hurt that Phantom Thread is ABOUT costuming
(among many other things), but the costume work is just so damn good in that
movie.
Best Cinematography
The
Contenders:
Alient: Covenant
Blade Runner 2049
Dunkirk
John Wick: Chapter 2
Phantom Thread
One of my
favorite categories, and this year probably the single easiest. The best
cinematography this year was Roger Deakins’ work in Blade Runner 2049, and it
isn’t close. Like no disrespect…but it ain’t close.
Best Scene
Another
original, and the only one that I allow myself to give more than five
contenders because it’s already damn hard winnowing this one down. As always,
I’ve tried to keep the name of the scene as non-spoilery as possible—hopefully
if you’ve seen the movie it’ll be clear what I’m talking about. A “no two
scenes from the same movie” rule comes and goes with this category, but it’s
irrelevant this year because I don’t think I’d give two from any one movie
anyways.
The
Contenders:
Two
Fassbenders and a Flute—Alien: Covenant
The Stairwell
Fight—Atomic Blonde
“Hocus
Pocus”—Baby Driver
The Memory
Creation—Blade Runner 2049
The Prison
Under the Moon—The Breadwinner
The
Underground—Darkest Hour
“I Didn’t
Hit Her!”—The Disaster Artist
The Museum
Shootout—John Wick: Chapter 2
The Flight Through
the Forest—Logan
The Omelet
Scene—Phantom Thread
A lot of
great action scenes here, and there were a lot more on the shortlist too, from
the fight with the Praetorian Guard from The
Last Jedi to Yondu’s escape scene in Guardians
2. It seems like Hollywood is finally getting over the shaky cam/quick cut
addiction that Paul Greengrass got it hooked on last decade. But the single
best scene of the year, even though it’s from a VERY violent movie, is a quiet
moment. The Two Fassbenders and a Flute scene
from Alien:
Covenant is entrancing in
large part because it’s so bizarre. As good as all those action scenes are,
I’ve seen moments more or less like them. I’ve never seen anything quite like
that flute scene.
Best Production Design
The
Contenders:
Blade Runner 2049
John Wick: Chapter 2
Phantom Thread
The Shape of Water
Star Wars: The Last Jedi
Again, it
was a great year for spectacular-looking sci-fi movies, and several deserving
ones that didn’t quite make it here. But as I’ve been saying, one of them stood
out, and again the winner here is Blade Runner 2049. If you haven’t
seen it yet, I can’t promise that you’ll like it, but I can promise that you’ll
be blown away by it visually at the very least. It’s too late to see it in
theaters, but that movie will look amazing on the back of an airplane seat or
on your phone.
Best Sound Editing
My
traditional preface, because the distinction is confusing: Sound Editing is the
actual creation of sound effects, while Mixing is the process of placing them
(together with score and dialogue n’ stuff) into the actual film. Or whatever.
The
Contenders:
Alien: Covenent
Blade Runner 2049
Coco
Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2
Star Wars: The Last Jedi
All
apologies to movies of every other genre, but I just can’t stop giving spots to
those sci-fi movies. They don’t just look great, they sound great too…or in Covenant’s case, great and super, duper
gross too. And again, the winner here is the superlative work in Blade
Runner 2049, which is really just a singular work of technical
production.
Best Sound Mixing
Baby Driver
Blade Runner 2049
Get Out
John Wick: Chapter 2
Phantom Thread
Finally some
genre variety! You might be thinking that Phantom
Thread is a weird choice here, but it’s almost entirely due to the two
bread-buttering scenes, which is easily the best audio joke from a movie this
year. But our winner is the amazing mixing done in Baby Driver; I know I
already talked about how unique that movie was, but hopefully you don’t mind a
little repetition because it ain’t the last time it’s coming up. Baby Driver’s use of music—a major part
of the mix—is unlike anything I’ve ever seen in a movie. Uh…spoilers for the
next category
Best Use of Music
I can never
remember movie scores, at least the first time I see a film (I notice the score
more on rewatch), and I think Best Original Song is a weird category for a film
awards show because so few movies even have original songs (the Oscars
sometimes struggles to get to 5), so I’ve kinda consolidated all of that into a
new omnibus category here.
The
Contenders:
Baby Driver
Coco
Get Out
Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2
The Shape of Water
So I lied
above when I said that Best Cinematography was the easiest category of the
year, it’s this one.
The best use
of music in a 2017 movie—and one of the best ever, really, or at least one of
the most inventive—is in Baby Driver. It’s really an
incredible accomplishment, a whole action film that’s almost entirely edited
and shot to the rhythm of a rock music soundtrack. I’ve never seen anything
like it.
Most Enjoyable Movie
This goes to
the most fun I had with a movie this year. I think just being entertaining is
an underrated quality in a movie, and this is my nod to that. Whether it’s a
comedy or an action movie, sometimes its nice to just sit back, relax, and not
worry about symbolism or thematics or whatever bullshit Paul Thomas Anderson’s
doing in Phantom Thread. Also note
that this isn’t necessarily the Best Movie That’s Also Fun—my favorite movie of
the year is one of the contenders here, though not the winner. Uhh, spoilers
The
Contenders:
Baby Driver
The Disaster Artist
Guardians of the Galaxy: Volume 2
John Wick: Chapter 2
Lego Batman
They’re
simple movies, really; nothing you need to think about, just amazing action
setpiece after setpiece. But goddamn are the John Wick movies entertaining and, given that no dogs die in the
sequel, John Wick: Chapter 2 is even more fun than its predecessor.
This movie is a blast to watch, and is a real trailblazer for smooth, coherent
action scenes. Like the first movie, Chapter
2 is directed by a former stunt coordinator, and it shows.
Best Screenplay
Because I’m
hopelessly frustrated by the distinction between original and adapted
screenplay, and don’t really see a distinction, I consolidated them last year.
I kept ten contenders though—not too much change at a time, ya know? But I got
out the pruning shears this year, and ruthlessly attacked this category. So now
there are just five screenplay contenders, both original and adapted. What can
I say, I have a ruthless streak
The
Contenders:
Blade Runner 2049
Darkest Hour
Get Out
Lady Bird
Phantom Thread
This
category includes two movies—Get Out and
Lady Bird—that fall into the “I like
but don’t love” category that I warned about above. This is largely because
they’re in two genres, horror and contemporary coming-of-age, that just kinda
are not usually my thing. But if I don’t fully appreciate the films as a whole,
I DO appreciate both of the screenplays, which are fantastic. Though not as fantastic
as PTA’s work in Phantom Thread. I know I just called it bullshit like fifty
words ago, but what can I say. It’s brilliant bullshit.
Best Line
Okay I feel
guilty eliminating so many screenplays, so my consolation is a new category,
which I think I did once a few years ago but I’m too lazy to spend the like 90
seconds it would take to figure that out. So here are the five best lines (by
which I mean a short piece of dialogue—with apologies to Michael Stuhlbarg, no
monologues here) of the year. Full disclosure—I just decided to do this
category like an hour ago, and unlike all of the other categories I didn’t keep
a running shortlist throughout the year. Thus, this is a slapdash off the top
of my head and even more biased toward what I saw relatively recently than most
categories. Oh well.
“You Cannot
Reason With a Tiger When Your Head Is In It’s Mouth!”—Darkest Hour
“Get Out!”—Get Out
“I’m Mary
Poppins, Y’all!”—Guardians of the Galaxy
Vol. 2
“Chic? Oh
Don’t You Start Using That Filthy Little Word”—Phantom Thread
“Let the
Past Die. Kill It If You Have To”—Star
Wars: The Last Jedi
In the
spirit of the rushed nature of this category, I’m giving this one to the
shortest of the contenders, and also the most titular. Get Out has the line of
the year. Though the winner of the award for single line of dialogue that
tricked the most critics into thinking a movie was much better than it was goes
to…you know what, I’m going to keep trying to have this be a shots-free awards
piece.
Best Animated Feature
2017 wasn’t
a strong year for animation, and I considered just not doing this award this
year. There was a good Pixar movie (and a bad one), but nothing from Laika or
Disney proper, and nothing good from Dreamworks, Ghibli, or most of the other
usual suspects. However, in the last couple of days I saw two more
good-to-very-good animated movies from Europe, so I’ll give this one out.
The
Contenders:
The Breadwinner
Coco
The Lego Batman Movie
Loving Vincent
Thanks to
Ireland’s Cartoon Saloon (headed by Tom Moore, who like nbd or anything but one
time liked a tweet of mine) for coming through here, and also for holding the
torch of 2D animation. I mean the winner is still Pixar’s Coco, but The Breadwinner at least gave it some
honorable competition. Unfortunately Coco
is the last original movie we’re getting from Disney or Pixar this decade—the
rest of the announced movies are sequels to The
Incredibles, Wreck-It Ralph, Toy Story, and Frozen
Best Vocal Performance
As with, and
largely caused by, the poor slate of animated films in 2017, there isn’t a deep
crop of great vocal performances either. This category is a bit broader—a mocap
performance in an otherwise live-action film qualifies too—but there weren’t a
huge amount of those either. Which is a shame, because this is one of my favorite
categories. Still, there were enough that I had to at least cut a few good ones
from my shortlist, which is all you can really ask for.
The
Contenders:
Kawa Ada—The Breadwinner
Cristela
Alonzo—Cars 3
Gael Garcia
Bernal—Coco
Eleanor
Tomlinson—Loving Vincent
Elizabeth
Debicki—Valerian and the City of a
Thousand Planets
This
category—which has no regard for the length and/or importance of the
performance—gives any leads that make the cut a major advantage, and true to
form I’m going with Gael Garcia Bernal in
Coco.
Bernal almost certainly has the most lines of any of these five (though
Alonzo’s role in Cars 3 is sizable
too), but hey, he’s really good in the movie.
Scene Stealer of the Year
This is the
category for small performances in movies, ones that don’t really have enough
screentime to put together a full supporting performance but still leave a
lasting impression.
The
Contenders:
Carla Juri—Blade Runner 2049
Lakeith
Stanfield—Get Out
Stephen
Henderson—Lady Bird
Laura Dern—Star Wars: The Last Jedi
Jeff
Goldbloom—Thor: Ragnarok
Honestly
both Dern and Goldbloom are stretching the parameters of this category a bit,
as both have a decent amount of screentime, several times more than the other
three and many others that didn’t make the final cut. But what can I say, I
just loved both performances so much, and whatever I’m the one writing this.
Dern (along with Driver) was easily my favorite part of a Star Wars movie that…okay no shots, no shots…and Goldbloom was
almost as enjoyable (in a VERY different way) in Thor. But the winner is one of the three non-cheaters, I mean
honestly how could it be anyone other than Lakeith
Stanfield, whose delivery of the titular two words in Get Out have become instantly iconic.
Best Ensemble
Another
original category, this one should be pretty self-explanatory. What movie in
2017 had the best overall cast?
The
Contenders:
Get Out
Darkest Hour
Logan
The Post
Three Billboards Outside Ebbing, Missouri
While Three Billboards certainly had the best
top three of any movie this year—and some other good performances further down
the bench as well (Penelope was a late cut from scene stealers), the deepest
cast in a movie this year was in Steven Spielberg’s simultaneously excellent
and forgettable The Post.
Best Supporting Actress
The
Contenders:
Kristen
Scott Thomas—Darkest Hour
Allison
Williams—Get Out
Rooney Mara—A Ghost Story
Laurie
Metcalf—Lady Bird
Leslie
Mannville—Phantom Thread
Allison
Williams definitely has the single most memorable image of any of these
actresses—that shot of her sitting on her bed eating cereal out of a bowl
without milk and staring at her computer, in that creepy white outfit, is one
of the most striking in a film full of striking images. But the best whole
scene, and overall performance, was Laurie
Metcalf in Lady Bird. That airport scene has been rightfully lauded (it
was a late cut from my top 10 of the year), and Metcalf is fabulous in it, and
the whole movie really. She also wins the “Best Actress Who Is Also On the
Roseanne Reboot” award, by the way.
Best Supporting Actor
The
Contenders:
Michael
Stuhlbarg—Call Me By Your Name
Willem
Defoe—The Florida Project
Rob Morgan—Mudbound
Woody
Harrelson—Three Billboards Outside
Ebbing, Missouri
Richard
Jenkins—The Shape of Water
I had three
supporting actors who were in a three way fight for best male supporting
performance in a blockbuster—all of Jamie Foxx in Baby Driver, Adam Driver in Star
Wars, and Michael Rooker in Guardians
Vol. 2 were on this list at one point or another. Rooker was an especially
hard cut, he was SO good in that movie. But ultimately, and somewhat
regretfully, I had to cut them for five performances from more traditionally
awardsy movies. And all five of these guys was great, but none was better than Michael
Stuhlbarg from Call Me By Your Name. Look, Chalamet
and Hammer were both fine in that movie, but the emotional core was, in large part
due to the simple power of his performance, Stuhlbarg. Who’s just great in
everything.
Best Actor
The
Contenders:
Michael
Fassbender—Alien: Covenant
Gary Oldman—Darkest Hour
Daniel
Kaluuya—Get Out
Daniel Day
Lewis—Phantom Thread
Sam
Rockwell—Three Billboards Outside Ebbing,
Missouri
Jackman from
Logan was another great performance
in a blockbuster tough cut, but there just wasn’t room for him here. Two of
these are somewhat dubious, category-wise, but hear me out. Rockwell isn’t the
MAIN character of Three Billboards…but
he’s not far off, especially in the second half of the film. As for Fassbender,
well this one I’m definitely cheating a little bit by combining his two roles—neither
David nor Walter is a lead character, but the film is at least kind of about
both of them combined. In the aggregate, they’re at least as important as our
more unambiguous lead, Katherine Waterston. And hey, if I’m cheating already,
might as well go all the way, right? Fuck it, Michael Fassbender in Alien: Covenant is our Best Actor.
Best Actress
The
Contenders:
Anne Hathaway—Colossal
Vicky
Krieps—Phantom Thread
Meryl
Streep—The Post
Sally
Hawkins—The Shape of Water
Frances
McDormand—Three Billboards Outside
Ebbing, Missouri
I’m still
staring at this and trying to figure out how Saoirse Ronan didn’t make it, and
I don’t really have a good answer. But I DO have a good answer for the best
female performance of the year, which was Sally
Hawkins in The Shape of Water. Really just for the “fuck you” scene alone,
it’s so good.
Best Director
The
Contenders:
Ridley Scott—Alien: Covenant
Edgar Wright—Baby Driver
Denis Villeneuve—Blade Runner 2049
Joe Wright—Darkest Hour
Paul Thomas Anderson—Phantom Thread
I just spent
like ninety seconds trying to come up with a not terrible “two Wrights make a
wrong” joke, but I don’t think it’s possible so I’m moving on. This is a pretty
easy one this year, and I think it’s the Wright choice. Okay that was just as
bad, I should just give up this whole line of joke attempts. It’d be the Wright
thing to do.
…anyways,
the best director of 2017 was Edgar
Wright of Baby Driver, and it wasn’t close. What Wright accomplished with
that movie was a minor miracle, I’ve never seen anything quite like it. I haven’t
loved all of his movies (I’m a Shaun of
the Dead skeptic) but I have no trouble certifying Edgar Wright as a
genius.
The last
couple of years I’ve split the Best Director and Best Picture awards, for
various reasons. Will it happen again this year? Let’s find out…
Best Picture
The
Contenders:
Alien: Covenant
Baby Driver
Blade Runner 2049
Coco
Phantom Thread
…nope! The
Best Picture of the year was Baby Driver, and again it wasn’t
particularly close. The other four films there are all very, very good, but I
actually think this wasn’t a great film year. Some of that is just several
acclaimed movies were in genres I just don’t particularly care for—Get Out a horror movie (though it’s
close to the thriller/horror line), and Lady
Bird and Call Me By Your Name
coming-of-age-movies. But there were a lot of other prestige-y movies more in
my wheelhouse that could’ve been a lot better (I can’t believe I didn’t like The Shape of Water more), and it was
DEFINITELY a down year for animation, as noted above. Only one movie this year
made my personal Top 100, the fewest since 2007.
But that one
movie was really, really excellent. I talked above about what made Baby Driver so special, but to reiterate—it’s
use of music is genuinely innovative, it has fun, memorable characters, every
scene is perfectly directed and executed, and it’s just an impeccable work of
action film-making.
Well that’ll
do it for this (barely) abbreviated Paultacular Bruene Awards, thanks and see
you next year! Probably!
The Final
Tally:
Alien: Covenant: Six Contenders and Two
Pauls (Best Scene, Best Actor for Michael Fassbender)
Atomic Blonde: One Contender and Zero
Pauls
Baby Driver: Nine Contenders and Five
Pauls (Best Sound Mixing, Best Sound Editing, Best Use of Music, Best Picture,
and Best Director for Edgar Wright)
Blade Runner 2049: Twelve Contenders and
Four Pauls (Best Visual Effects, Best Cinematography, Best Production Design,
and Best Sound Editing)
The Breadwinner: Three Contenders and
Zero Pauls
Call Me By Your Name: One Contender and
One Paul (Best Supporting Actor for Michael Stuhlbarg)
Cars 3: One Contenders and Zero Pauls
Coco: Five Contenders and Zero Pauls
Colossal: One Contender and Zero Pauls
Darkest Hour: Eight Contenders and Zero
Pauls
The Disaster Artist: Two Contenders and
Zero Pauls
Dunkirk: Two Contenders and Zero Pauls
The Florida Project: One Contender and
One Paul
Get Out: Eleven Contender and Two Pauls
(Best Line and Scene Stealer of the Year for Lakeith Stanfield)
A Ghost Story: One Contender and Zero
Pauls
Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2: Six
Contenders and Zero Pauls
I, Tonya: One Contender and Zero Pauls
John Wick: Chapter 2: Five Contenders
and One Paul (Most Enjoyable Scene)
Lady Bird: Three Contenders and One Paul
(Best Supporting Actress for Laurie Metcalf)
The Lego Batman Movie: Two Contenders
and Zero Pauls
Logan: Two Contenders and
Zero Pauls
Loving Vincent: Two
Contenders and Zero Pauls
Mudbound: One Contender and
Zero Pauls
Phantom Thread: Twelve Contenders and
Two Pauls (Best Costume Design and Best Screenplay)
The Post: Two Contenders and One Paul
(Best Ensemble)
The Shape of Water: Four Contenders and
One Paul (Best Actress Sally Hawkins)
Star Wars: Episode VIII – The Last Jedi:
Five Contenders and Zero Pauls
Thor: Ragnarok: Three Contenders and
Zero Pauls
Valerian and the City of a Thousand Planets:
One Contender and Zero Pauls
That’s twenty-nine
movies with contenders and twelve with at least one win out of the forty-seven
I’ve seen as of this writing (for a complete list of what I’ve seen from 2017,
in totally fluid and arbitrary order of overall preference, click here. Note:
that list will be updated as I see more movies, so if there’s more than forty-seven
there, I’ve seen stuff since writing this).
Now, just
for fun:
Most
Overnominated: Star Wars which was…fine.
Biting my tongue and moving on
Most
Undernominated: Logan, for sure,
which I really, really liked. It’s just that there were a few other really
well-made blockbusters ranked juuuuust ahead of it that gobbled up a lot of the
possible contenders—Logan was sixth
in a bunch of categories. The Post is
also up there—I thought it was really good!
Winner of
the Inside Llewyn Davis Award for
most contenders without a win: Darkest
Hour, with eight.
Best Movie
You’d Never Know I’d Seen By Reading This: Molly’s
Game, which was maybe the biggest victim of my cutting down the screenplay
contenders. Chastain also would’ve made it in a weaker year for female lead
performances, she’s very good in it.
Movie I
Promise I Saw But Just Couldn’t Find Anywhere On Here For: A couple of
superhero movies that I saw and enjoyed, but just got overshadowed by others: Spiderman: Homecoming and Wonder Woman
Worst Movie
Represented: Cars 3, for sure. It’s
not as bad as the genuinely horrible second movie, but it’s still mediocre, at
best. But Cristela was good in it…and it was a weak year for animation, which
includes being a weak year for vocal performances.
Worst Piece
of Crap I Saw from 2017: Shoutout to The
Book of Henry
Movie I
Should Be Most Ashamed of Not Seeing Before Writing This: I saw fewer movies
than in any year since maybe 2010, but I still think I did a good job seeing
the major ones. But I wish I had gotten to The
Big Sick, and maybe mother! too
The “I’m Not
Sure Why I Didn’t Like It More” Award: Dunkirk.
A World War II movie from Christopher Nolan? And it didn’t even make my top 10?
I’m genuinely stunned. And I don’t really have any particular criticisms of it
either, other than that some of the main characters looked too similar so it
was tough to keep track, which is…not that big of a deal really. I even saw it
on an enormous IMAX screen too. Idk.
The “They’re
Wrong” Award: Alien: Covenant. For
the first time in a few years one of my absolute favorite films of the year is a
movie that the general consensus seems to consider bad. Not just overrated
(like La La Land last year), but
genuinely bad. And they’re so wrong! Alien:
Covenant is great, and I’m confident it’ll get a reappraisal in a decade or
two. For more, watch this video:
The “I’m
Wrong Award”: Lady Bird. I liked Lady Bird just fine, but I found it
thoroughly unexceptional, which given the absolute critical and popular
adoration, I think I’m probably just wrong about.
Most
Pleasantly Surprising: The aforementioned Alien:
Covenant. Not only were reviews and audience reactions not exactly
positive, but I wasn’t a fan of Prometheus
at all either, and barely wanted to even see Covenant. But then it popped up on HBO, I watched it, and I was
mildly blown away.
Most
Disappointing: Look, it was fine, but I was…not a huge fan of Last Jedi. Maybe I just need to lower my
expectations, I’ve been disappointed by all three of the Disney Star Wars
movies. Though I kinda want to rewatch Rogue
One, it’s risen somewhat in my estimation as I’ve thought about it more. Force Awakens and Last Jedi…haven’t.
The
Irritating Backlash Award: For the first time in a few years, none of my
favorite movies of 2017 were enough of Best Picture contenders to really
attract much of a backlash, so I didn’t get my feelings hurt like with La La Land last year (it’s a great
movie, fuck off). But I was still confounded by the Shape of Water backlash. The “it’s the safe choice” takes were
utterly bizarre; it’s a movie about a mute woman having a sexual relationship
with a fishman! Speaking of…
The The Artist Award for Main Promotional
Image That Comes from Latest in the Film: Yeah that image of Sally Hawkins and
the Fishman embracing underwater is, like, the last shot of the film. Uh,
spoilers.
Hardest Cut:
Ugh I wanted Michael Rooker from Guardians
in there SO BAD. Jackman from Logan
was tough too
Best Sex
Scene With a Fishman and/or Piece of Fruit: The first tie in Paultacular
history between The Shape of Water and
Call Me By Your Name
Inexplicable
Use of a Historical Figure: Ludendorff in Wonder
Woman. Why they would use Ludendorff—an actual German general in World War
I—and not some made up figure I have no idea.
The “I Mean,
Let’s Be Honest, She Was Probably Involved” Award: I, Tonya, which definitely got too close to its subject.
Best Crabs: The Red Turtle. It’s not a great movie,
and had surprisingly low-quality turtles…but it has GREAT crabs
The “By All
Accounts Ahistorical to the Point of Offensiveness, Except I Didn’t Actually
See It” Award: The Greatest Showman
The Second
“The Artist” Award for Best Movie That No One Will Remember Anything About in
Five Years: The Post. Much as I liked
it, I’m already forgetting it.
Alright
everyone, that’ll do it. Happy 2018!
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